Worthy

There has been a battle raging inside me lately. Why did I have to have this great loss happen to me? Am I not worthy of being a wife and a mom? Is the path that I had hoped and prayed for for my life never going to happen? Why do others around me get to live their fairy tale lives while I sit on the sidelines waiting for a possibility that I don't know will ever happen? What have I done to deserve this life?

I have no answers for these questions. I am still trying to figure it out. I want so desperately to be a wife and a mother and I see that part of my life slipping away day by day. It devastates me. I still have a sliver hope that it will happen for me one day, but that hope is slipping the further and further away I get from losing Charles. I keep thinking that I can earn favor and become worthy of having these things, but I have to remind myself that I am always going to be worthy of love. I am worthy of being in a loving relationship that bears children. I am worthy of having a fairytale life.... but that may not be the path that has been chosen for me. I hate admitting it, but it is a fact that has to be accepted. It may not be in the cards for me to have the things that I have wanted for so long. It may not be my destiny to have the things I have dreamed of in the ways in which I have pictured them. There is a plan. I just have to accept the fact that it isn't in my control. I have to accept that there is something better for me out there and I just have to be patient and wait on it to happen. I am terrible at waiting.

I know that one day I will look back on this time of my life and laugh. I know that all the experiences I have had up until this point have been worth it. They all mean something. Until that day comes when I piece it all together, Ill be here waiting and wishing that I had all the answers before it was necessary for me to have those answers. I have decided to live my life to the fullest and accept what is set before me. I need to have a fulfilled life even in the waiting. Its not okay to sit on the sidelines of your own life and let it pass by because it hasn't worked out the way you had planned. There are plenty of days that this is easier said than done, but if I keep my eyes forward and not stuck in the past wallowing on what could have been, I'm less likely to miss the things that are set out in front of me. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.