The Journal

When I sat down and finally decided I was going to publish my blog I started thinking of what I really wanted for it. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to go through and proofread everything I had written and make sure it all sounded better. More put together. More polished. But then I realized that that wasn't me. That was what I had been trying to be for so long. And I'm tired of being that person. My life has been messy and it's only fitting that my unfiltered thoughts are the same. That's the whole point of this. I have come so far and now being able to see how I thought and processed even just a few years ago is so fascinating to me. So if you went back and read all of my previous blogs and overlooked the grammatical errors and run-on sentences, I applaud you... but most importantly, I thank you for allowing me to have the space to not be the 'perfect' façade I was trying hide behind all these years.

I recently found a journal that I had begun writing in right after I started going to church. My best friend gifted me a bible and this journal to help me in my walk with God. Little did she know that I never used it as a prayer journal. I used it as a diary, a place to write out how unhappy I was, a place to yell at God, a place I never wanted other people to see. But now its time. There has been too much on my heart for too long and it's time I brought it all to the surface. So many of these pages are tear soaked and raw. There were times where I was just writing things down because I was too afraid to say the things out loud. But here we are. Years later. After I’ve been able to process through most things I still need to type them out so that they can now be shared and understood. Here we go:

• I don’t know how I feel. I don't know how I’m supposed to feel. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could hold him one last time. Tell him I love him and always will. I miss the connection I had with him. I want someone who could make me feel better just by being in the same room as me. I miss him so much. I know there has been so much good that has come out of this, but I would give it all back for one more minute with him. I’m so scared I’m going to forget about him. His laugh, his smell, his presence. He made me want to be something I never imagined. I want to be a wife and a mother because of him. I always knew I would like those things, but he made it tangible. He made it my reality. And now that reality is just a dream once again. I am broken. I am lost. I don’t need a man to make me feel whole. I know that, but I miss the shoulder to lean on. The person you can always count on. The one exception to every rule. I want that desperately. I have been jumping into relationships just to try to feel that way again. I know it has to happen on its own. If it’s forced, it isn’t real, but I’m so desperate to feel whole again. To feel anything real really. And I know I’m doing it. I keep throwing myself into relationships just to feel close to someone. Anyone. But I need to try harder to find someone who is right for me. I can deal with being alone. I know I am capable of it. I did it on my own when I lived in California. It will get easier and then it will be like Charles all over again. When I’m not looking - when I’m finding myself - that’s when I will find happiness. My emotions are just so out of wack. I have tried to be so strong. I put on my best face and push through, but it’s all getting so hard. I feel like it’s all going to come crashing down. It’s just a matter of when.

Looking at that- I want someone who COULD make me feel better by just being in the same room. I was still talking about Charles. I was still talking about wanting him and no one else. I was still speaking in past tense. I couldn't get myself out of thinking that there would not be anyone else for me. I just wanted him back. Now, after dating for a handful of years again, I am still kind of at that point. It was all so easy with Charles. I never had to wonder if he was going to be there for me or how he felt. I just knew. I have not truly had that with anyone else since. Dating now seems to be more of a game than an actual way to find your partner. It's sad. No one seems to be striving for real connection anymore. It just feels like its an endless cycle of people wanting companionship without the responsibility of an adult relationship. How ridiculous is that?! Add onto that the fact that I've lost my fiancé and need a man who can wrap his head around that.... yeah. Most days I still feel I'm destined to be alone forever. It's hard for even me to recognize all I've been through and I lived it. Asking someone else to be okay with the fact that a piece of my heart will forever belong to another man seems unfair. I hope one day I find the one man who can completely accept me. I'm still praying he's out there waiting to find me too.

The next thing I noticed was that I had become engulfed in this idea that if I wasn’t Charles wife or the mother to Charles children then I didn’t have an identity anymore. I never thought titles and classifications mattered to me until my title was ripped from my grasp. This is where I really lost myself. I couldn't just go back to being a single woman, I was now a person who lost her whole future. It wasn't just the man I loved, it was the entire life I had planned out for myself with that man. There is no word for that. The fact that I was one day away from being married to Charles left me without the next title- widow. I wanted to be seen for what I had gone through, and have it be acknowledged without me having to explain myself. It was so much easier to say I was a widow than to explain how I was one day away from that title actually being the truth. That's actually where the title of my blog came in. Even though an unwed widow is not a term that is ever used, you understood the basis of what it meant without explanation. It didn't require me spilling my entire story out to understand the basic gist of my new title... even though it may have raised questions at first glance. I even remember struggling with this when we were writing Charles obituary. I couldn't write that I was his wife, but fiancé sounded so much less than what I was. Charles best friend took control of that and just wrote that Charles was survived by his wife. He saw the struggle and refused for me to not have that title if only once. I don't know if he even realized how much that meant to me. To this day I am grateful for his decision.

Onto the next eyeopener for me... Even as I was writing out how I should be trying to find more fulfilling relationships in my journal, I wasn’t believing my own words that no one else was ever supposed to read. I still felt like I had to say the right things and force myself to be further ahead in my grieving than I actually was. Even when I was talking to myself. I felt like if I said those things to myself enough it would just magically come true... that if I said it enough I would actually feel the way I was supposed to feel... or the way I thought I was supposed to feel by that point. I kept repeating things that other people had been saying to me hoping I would change my ways and force myself along. This is where my problem with people calling me strong comes in. It’s not necessarily the word strong, but the thought that what you see me projecting is actually the truth. I was just good at hiding my pain in front of everyone and then breaking down behind closed doors. I heard these things so much that they became a part of my internal dialogue that I was constantly trying to repeat to myself. If I say it enough, it will be true. It became the goal because it wasn’t how I felt at all. Everything that I was being told over and over again from all sorts of different people began to reinforce how far from okay I actually was.

I didn't realize at that time that me bouncing around from guy to guy was really how I was coping with my loneliness. In the long run those unsubstantial relationships have continued to effect my current relationships in not the best ways, but if I'm being honest, I would never take any of it back. Yes. I slept around more than I should have to not feel lonely, but in every other aspect of my life, I was able to function because of it. It made more sense for me to have one area of my life that I needed to work on than needing to fix my entire life. I still stand behind that logic. Where I believe I went wrong was how long I continued to feel as if that was acceptable. I don't truly think I was able to grieve that loss and loneliness because I just continued to put it off rather than confronting it. I didn't begin to work on that part of myself until just a few years ago. After so much damage was already done. And now I don't feel as if I can undo all the effects of my past actions... but I can grow. I can actively do better and with the help of someone much more qualified than myself. I do feel like for the first time in my life that I can hopefully have all the things I've wished for. I now understand so much more about myself and the reasons behind my actions. I have reflected and know I am capable of doing more and doing better. Now, I just need to find the man that will put up with me. God only knows where he's hiding...