Holding my breath.

I have been silent on here for quite a while now because I haven't felt like the title of my blog. I have been wrestling with the fact that I feel disingenuous writing all these feelings that I once had but no longer feel. In January I got engaged to the most amazing man. He is the first man I have dated post Charles that has not felt intimidated or overshadowed when it comes to my past. He understands it is a part of what has made me who I am today and he allows me to keep Charles in my heart while still loving him. This makes me love him even more. While I am still the girl who started this page, I am now engaged once again. I thought having the renewed identity as an engaged woman and speaking of my past seemed insincere, but I since have realized that I am now reliving the trauma that I experienced almost ten years ago. I will always be the unwed widow, I am just also more than that.

Tomorrow will be 10 years since losing Charles. It feels like a dream that I can only barely remember some days. Others it feels like I am still that 23 year old girl planning for my original wedding. Then reality hits me that I had all these same giddy feelings ten years ago and my future was ripped away from me. I keep thinking its going to happen again. I keep thinking I'm going to lose Adam now and my life will be hollow again. No matter how much I am reassured by him that he's not going anywhere, I had that promised to me once before. I am aware that in reality the likelihood of it happening to me again is so minimal, but the chance of having it happen once was already tiny to begin with.

I feel like my joy is being stolen right now. I feel like I can't be as present as I want to be. I feel out of control. Every time I try to do some last minute thing for our wedding, I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I don't need to do it because the day won't happen anyways. I don't want this to be how our wedding day is. I want to be present for every part of it. I want to marry the man who has loved every part of me. Even the part that is having all of these feelings. But here I am. Just holding my breath. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something catastrophic to happen. Again. I can not wait for this feeling to no longer be a part of me.

I want nothing more than for this to be as carefree of a season as all of my other friends have had. I want the fairytale wedding. I want the butterflies and excitement. While I do have those things, I also have this dread lingering just below all of those feelings. Its like I am at the top of a rollercoaster waiting for the descent, but I just keep climbing. The anticipation is starting to feel like it's going to consume me. I am the only one on the rollercoaster who knows the possibility of train coming off the tracks. Yet I decided to get on the ride anyways.

I decided that marrying Adam was worth it. I decided that putting myself through all of this was worth it to have even a moment of happiness with this man. The man who has done everything in his power to make me laugh when I get overwhelmed. The man who has known all about my past since before we met and made a conscious effort to make me feel like no matter how irrational I sound, that my feelings are valid. The man who will move mountains to calm my nerves and show me how loved I am going to be not just today or on our wedding day, but for the rest of our lives. I truly do not know how I got so lucky to find such an amazing man. He was put on this earth to help me through this. I am more than aware that that has to be the case.

While I will continue to hold my breath for the next few weeks, Ill also be able to hold the hand of the man who loves me through this. I pray that each one of you reading this have that person in your lives. If you don't, please go find them. It makes going through the crap hand that life has dealt you so much easier. Even when you're holding your breath.