Intro After The Beginning

I never thought this page would be published. This was a space for me to write my feelings and have it saved so I could look back on it for years to come.... but then I started going to therapy. Something I should have started doing a long time ago. I started to really process what my life was and the fact that if I am feeling these things, then there have to be other people feeling this way too. I cant be alone on this island of grief. So here I am. Putting myself out there. Hoping that this page can at least help one other person who has experienced loss in some way that has them feeling hopeless at times too. Hoping that my story helps someone who doesn't know how to approach a friend because they just don't know what to say in a hard time. Hoping that someone else is brave enough to do the thing that scares them to death just like I'm doing right now. Hoping to find others that feel just as alone and have them realize there is a life raft. There are people willing to save you from drowning. I am here. I am holding out my hand. Come walk beside me and find comfort in the discomfort of speaking your truths.

This is my unfiltered life and I hope you can see the hope and the resiliency as I speak of my journey even though over the years I haven't believed that I had anyone in my corner. I knew that I had friends that I could talk to about my life and everything I've experienced, but knowing that none of them TRULY understand my pain and my loss, I have never really taken substantial comfort in any of them trying to help me along the way. I have just learned to be my own support and I thought that was good enough. It has now been eight years without having Charles by my side and I can honestly say I am a completely different person than I was that lifetime ago. I have pushed myself to work seven days a week so that I wouldn't have time to think about him. I have thrown myself into working events I never thought I'd have the opportunity to work. I have engulfed myself in my religion to try to make sense of my life. I have done everything I could think of except the obvious. It was easier to believe I was just on my own and that I would just have to deal with it rather than to put myself out there and ask for help. After all, as every single person told me, I was so strong. -insert eye roll- [For future reference- never say that to anyone who is experienced loss. We don't feel strong. We are literally crumbling and you are saying the exact opposite of how we are feeling, making us feel even less strong. End rant.]

After thinking I was on a desert island on my own for long enough, I finally made the decision to go to therapy. She is the reason I'm sitting here typing this out. She is the reason I can now see the validity in talking to someone who may have never gone through what you have been through, but has the expertise to guide me in my healing. I don't understand how I've never put it into perspective until now- but I'm not a man and I give a d@mn good mens haircut. It's the exact same thing. My training and experience have gotten me to the point I'm at in my career, just like my therapist. I have allowed myself to find the right fit for my individual grief and I encourage everyone to do the same. My life has gotten immensely better since seeing her, even if I have had more days crying since beginning to process the proper way.

So today I am making the conscience decision to be positive and commemorate the memory of Charles in a way that not only helps me, but can possibly help others as well. Rather than focusing on the sadness that I feel, I am doing something to honor the life that I thought I was going to have and celebrate the new life I have created for myself. October 19th will no longer just be the day that I was supposed to marry the man of my dreams. It's now the day I stepped out of my comfort zone and let the world in on my story. So here it is, and here I am.