Recover Self

For the longest time I thought I couldn't tell my story because I don't have an ending yet. I refer to my life as a Nicholas Sparks novel and my ending hasn't been written. I tend to shy away from telling people about what I've been through because I don't want anyone to see me as a broken person. Someone who needs something. Someone who needs to be pitied. But that's inevitable when I speak of my past.

So lets start from the beginning. I met Charles when we were in the 8th grade. He was the only 8th grade boy I've ever met that was 6ft tall with a full beard. We dated for a whole two weeks and then he broke up with me because "I was too much like a sister". We ended up going to different high schools and wouldn't see each other again for about 7 years.

Fast forward to 2010. I was about to go out to California for a special effects makeup school, so my friend Jordan and I decided we needed to go shopping so i would look at least a little more stylish out in LA. When we were on our way to the mall that day Jordan got a call from the boy who had been trying to take her on a date for months, Michael. We told Michael to meet us at Fridays for a quick lunch just to get it over with. As soon as we arrived, I noticed the guy who was sitting beside Michael. He had brought Charles with him. That lunch went from 'get out as quickly as possible' to 'oh my gosh, we've been here for three hours'. Even though I thought Charles was the cutest guy ever, I knew I was leaving for California in just a few months and didn't think at all about dating him seriously. While I was out in LA we kept in contact through facebook, but I had every intention of staying out in California forever and becoming a famous makeup artist to the stars. God obviously had other plans for me. I couldn't pay my rent because I couldn't get a job anywhere and thought about possibly coming home. I came back to charlotte for my moms birthday for a long weekend from school and on that trip decided that it would be better to come back to Charlotte and go back to my salon job. To me, it was more practical. As soon as i got back to Cali for my last month of school, Jordan called me and told me that Michael had passed away. He essentially had a heart attack at 20 years old. A month later Jordan and my mom came out to Cali for my graduation and Jordan and I drove all my stuff back across the country. On that drive we discussed how she and I would get back and take Charles to lunch and show him that we were there for him with whatever he needed as he grieved the loss of his friend. Sure enough, the day after we got home, we showed up at his work and took him to lunch. From that point on, I could count on one hand the days that we were away from each other.

He truly was everything I had ever hoped for in a partner. He was the man that would always challenge me, irritate me more than anyone I had ever met and love me deeper no matter what was going on and how much I had pissed him off. He was all I ever wanted.

We got engaged after just over a year and set our wedding date for October 19, 2013. We found the perfect venue that was right down the road from where Michael was buried. We looked at it as a way for Michael to be with us for our wedding. After all, he was the one who brought us together. But God once again had a different plan for my life. Charles and his groomsmen went to have a toast with Michael before the rehearsal dinner and raced back to be on time. Charles lost control of the car and passed away less than 24 hours before we were supposed to say 'I do'.

There is one thing that I clearly remember from that night. I wasn't allowed to walk over to the car to see or speak to Charles when he was in that state, so I was standing to the side with the ambulance blocking my view of the mangled car.

There was a lady that came up to me that I honestly have no idea where she came from. I believe she lived in a nearby home and saw all the commotion and came out to see what was happening. She came up to me and asked me if the man in the car was my fiancé. When i said yes, she placed her hand on my shoulder and asked me if she could pray for me. I had not grown up in church and had no idea what exactly she was about to do. she never took her hand off my shoulder. she continuously kept speaking out loud and having a conversation with God on my behalf.

I wish I could find her and thank her for keeping my spirits up and not letting me sink as I lost the love of my life.

For the next two weeks I was just going through the motions. I became a shell. I went from thinking that I was going to be a wife and sooner rather than later a mother, to not knowing who I was at all. My identity was lost. There isn't even a word for what I am. I was one day away from being married, so I am technically not a widow, but he was so much more than just a man in my life that I had lost. I am an unwed widow.

Two weeks after Charles passed I had my first glimmer of hope. One of my very best friends, Hannah, had her son. Bozden became my life. He showed me that life was still going and that I still had a future to live out. Shortly after Hannah invited me to church and I reluctantly said yes. That was the first time I truly felt God. He told me to keep going and to stop being the empty person I had become. I tried, but it wasn't easy. I still had this emptiness in my heart.

As you can imagine I had sunk to a level that no one should ever go to. The next few months I turned to anything to make me feel something or to feel nothing at all. I started drinking more alcohol than I can remember to make myself forget the details of that one night. I started sleeping with any man who said that they would stay the night and sleep beside me because of how crippled I was by the loneliness I felt. I started working three jobs just to fill my time so that I wouldn't have a moment to let myself feel the loss.

I pushed away those who were closest to me because they weren't handling my loss the way I saw fit. I continued to push away some of the people who helped me the most because I was so desperate to have a sense of normalcy to my life again. I am forever amazed at some of my actions while I was trying to figure this new life of mine out.

While all of this was happening I found Mosaic. I knew that I needed more in my life, but wasn't prepared for all that God was calling me to do. I'm grateful that I had gotten so good at hiding both my pain and my coping mechanisms because I would never have been allowed to volunteer here at Mosaic had they known what all I was struggling with. I started volunteering with the youth and had I not been lead to them, I don't know where I would be. They showed me how to love God. They were so genuinely connected that it didn't make sense for me to not try to have a relationship with God. They were the ones who truly saved me. I saw that they were looking up to me and that drinking myself silly and sleeping around would only show them that it was okay. I didn't want to let them down. So i threw myself into every event with the youth to fill any time that would previously have been spent with a drink in my hand. I said yes to every opportunity there was with them.

That lead me to saying yes to going on a mission trip, even though I had no earthly idea what that really meant. We were supposed to be going to the Bahamas at first. I thought it was a neat idea, but after thinking about it, I knew in my heart that wasn't where I was supposed to be. I went to our meeting with every intention of letting Pastor Mike know that I wasn't going on the trip, but he had news for us first. He had had a dream and God told him we weren't supposed to be in the Bahamas. We were changing our trip to the Dominican Republic.

This was where Charles and I were supposed to go on our honeymoon. I instantly felt at peace with going.

Once we finally got down to the Dominican, there was another team already there. They were from Mt. Airy. This just so happened to be where my friend Hannah was from. There were too many signs pointing to this place being exactly where I needed to be. I found my purpose in a place. I found out that the next trip to the DR was going to be in October just two short months after we were there the first time. I knew that if it fell on Charles anniversary that I had to go back. Sure enough, it did. I had one person donate my whole way for that second trip and I knew that it would forever be my safe haven. I have no idea where my life is going to go from here, but I do know that my life has more meaning when I am able to go and serve others and see that even though I have had something awful happen in my life, I have the influence to let people see Gods love and His healing through me.

Genesis 50:20

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of so many lives."

This is just my story of loss and even thought it is very different from the loss you may have experienced, yours is just as valid as mine. I had originally thought that what i have been through was the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone, but its just my own. I have come to realize over the years that grief is grief no matter the circumstance, but God has plans that he is waiting for us to allow him to unfold. We just have to be open to what his plans are for us.

And in the end, we need to praise Him in the storms of our lives.