One. True. Love.

One. We are taught that we only get one. We get one chance to be swept off our feet and fall in love. Real love. Once in a lifetime love. Well.... What happens when your one true love passes away at 24? Am I supposed to live my life without anyone else for the rest of my life? Am I destined to be on my own because my one chance at love slipped through my fingers? I was so young. I didnt know how much I had taken my relationship for granted. I had no clue how lucky I was to have Charles in my life. It really is true that you dont know what you have until its gone. We were never meant to be, but we chose each other. We loved each other so unconditionally and I cant imagine a love like we had ever being duplicated.

I wish I could go back. I would stop and take in the moment more often. I would savor the little things a little longer. I would try to be less distracted and try to take more mental pictures. I would go back to the day he told me how pretty I was for the first time. I blushed so hard. I would go back to the night I kissed him for the first time because I was so impatient for him to make the first move. I would go back to the night he officially asked me to be his girlfriend while sitting in the woods in his truck. I would go back to the first time we ever tried to have sex and laugh a little harder at how awkward it was. I would go back to the day we moved in together and started to create a home together. I would go back to the conversations about our future plans and try to get him to talk about his past and all he had been through a little more. I would go back to the night he proposed to me and take a freaking picture with him even though I looked a mess .I hate that I thought that mattered so much. I would try to remember the last time we actually did have sex, because right now, it feels so long ago and its a memory I didnt think I would need, because I was so focused on the first time we would make love as a married couple. I wanted forever with you. I was so focused on the future that I stopped being present with you, and I am so upset at myself for that.

What happens when I find my next person? How will they handle what ive been through? There are some things you cant ask of someone. How do I ask someone to live with the fact that part of my heart will always be with someone else? I will always think of Charles and smile, cry and laugh. I will always have days where I can not explain why I am sad and then realize its about him. I can only hope my future person will understand me. But waiting for him is killing me. If he is coming, Im getting to the point where Im so closed off to having someone in my life that I pray he can break down the walls. There are so very many walls. Its beginning to seem like no one will ever break through and actually get to know all of me. All I can do is hope and pray for whoever it is to keep pushing and trying to get to the bottom of who I truly am. One day.