Purpose

Why did God choose me for this life? What was it that He saw in me that made Him choose me?? What am I missing here?

I have had over 5 years to think about all these questions... and I still have no answer. I cant understand why God decided to have me live out this nightmare. I do however understand that I would not be living the life Im living today had it not been for the things in my life that have happened. If Charles had not passed away, I would not have found God in the first place. He met me in my sorrow and picked me back up. If I hadnt been in such a low place, I wouldnt have been able to hear Him screaming for me. He reached out when He knew I had nothing else to lose. There was no reason for me to turn away from the path I was being pushed towards because I had lost every other path that I had seen in my mind.

Never in a million years did I think I would be a person who feels lost when I dont go to church on sundays, or who would be planning to go on multiple mission trips in any given year. This life is so far from what I ever imagined for myself. So I constantly ask God 'why me?'.

I keep thinking that Im not on the timeline I wanted and imagined, but I need to realize that the timeline and life I have always seen for myself isnt even on the same plane. I never saw myself going around to different parts of the world helping people see gods love, but here I am. This was never a part of my plan. Its Gods. I have been trying to get back to the timeline I drew out, but God has placed His plans on top of mine, and we all know whos plan always wins.

I see myself as if Im in school drawing out my timeline of my life. The teacher has just walked up and taken my paper away and placed something even more extravagant and just so far away from anything that I could have dreamed in front of me. I dont feel like it could be my life, so I keep trying to interject the things I already had written out on my timeline. God keeps erasing them and then hiding the rest of my paper.

By combating God, im losing out on all the things he has in store for me because im wasting His time. Im redirecting myself because I have the free will to do that, but then I get shoved right back to where I should have been and have to start back over from where I had already been.

It so frustrating, and yet, would I have stepped into this life if I hadnt been pushed like I was and have been since?? I honestly think not. But where do I go from here? I feel like the world has opened up in so many ways, yet I'm still stuck trying to focus on the things I had my eye on back when I was 23. I hope Im able to just let God do what he does and guide me to the life I never knew I wanted or was capable of having.