Unfair

It’s so unfair that others get their happy ending while I sit here. Why does the idea that you find your perfect person in the perfect way never happen?? My life isn’t a movie. Why can’t I accept that?? Why does society make us believe we can have perfect lives and perfect loves? It doesn’t happen that way. At the same time, why do people put on a show for everyone else and try to make it seem as if their lives are perfect? What's the point of that?? When did we get so obsessed with having our lives look picture perfect to others while being so unhappy in reality? All it does is make the rest of us that are pining for that "perfect" life so much more aware of the fact that we don't have the things we so desperately want.

It was about a year or so after I lost Charles that one of my friends announced she was pregnant. {She had gotten married just a few months before I was supposed to.} In my mind her life was working out exactly like mine should have, yet mine was taken from me. When she told me the news I was devastated. It brought back all the hurt. All the talks that Charles and I had had about children. All the life we had planned out. All the things that were taken from me... I tried to be so happy for her and support her in the ways I could, but just below the surface I was so angry that she had all the things I wanted. I was hurt that she didn't see it too. We had been friends for so long. How did she not see the pain that was in my eyes when she talked about hearing his heartbeat? How did she not see that I was falling apart? I wanted her to say to me that she didn't expect me to be there for all the showers and events. I wanted her to see my hurt, but all she saw was a friend that wasn't supporting her. I wish I had understood myself and my pain better at that time so I could have articulated myself in a way that didn't push her away. I slowly lost that friendship over the years and I know it stems mostly from this jealousy of mine that she had the timeline I wanted and expected for myself.

Time and time again more situations like that arose. I love watching my friends lives blossom and grow into what they've always dreamed of, but its always at the expense of my heart breaking a little more. Every time another friend gets engaged or announces they're pregnant I get excited for them and then I slowly start to shut down. It has been almost 8 years and I'm still back at square one. It would be so much easier to bare if I had someone by my side reassuring me that it would be okay and that Id get those things one day as well. But that person just isn't there. Instead I have to fake how happy I am for my friends. I agree to help them plan all the things for their wedding and little ones so I know Ill be occupied on those days. I know my heart cant take just sitting back and watching other people be so happy while my heart breaks a little more with every moment that passes. As much as I am aware that my happiness shouldn't come from someone else, I know how much love I have to give and how ready I am to share my life with someone... it just isn't happening for me and that is devastating to me.

I've been told by so many that God only gives you what you can handle, but I don't know why he thought I could handle this. This is too much for any person to bare, and now it's following me into too many aspects of my life. I've met so many guys along the years that just can't handle what I've been through. I feel like no man realizes that I didn't choose this life. It was chosen for me. But with that being said, it DID happen to me. Its part of my story. Its part of who I am now. I am my story. I am my past.... but I'm looking for a future. I don't want to live in my past. One day I'm hopeful to find someone to accept my past and love me despite it. One day.